Friday, December 30, 2005

"Sponge bob meets Iron Maiden"

This holiday season has been hectic. Everything from buying presents to driving to relatives houses to calling friends seems to have been stuffed into the tiny hole of a pen cap. How are we supposed to be happy juggling razor blades, jinsu knives and butcher cleavers? I think this partially has to do with the fact that new years eve lands on a Saturday. It has offset our party calendar and fluxed up Montreals collective unconscious. Many people have no idea what their doing this new years. Its also possible that there isn't enough of a selection of activities to do. Well out of all this chaos I haven't been able to write or even think about what I should put on here so in my fustration I decided to go old school on all your asses. With a twist of course.
happy NEW YEAR everyone!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

A Very Urban Christmas!!

Yo! Was the night before Xmas, and all through my pad, not a pimp or a hooker was knocking to get paid; My gatlings rested shiny, cause I cleaned them myself, and I hoped to get a call from my horny MILF. The neighbors and street bums were high on their crack, visions of strippers rubbing their racks, mammi in her thong and me in my robe, laying in bed as I pulled out the lube, when a horrid sound came from outside in the gutter, I jumped out of bed to what was the matter. There stood an old drunk man in a red suit, he mumbled 'bout his big bag of lute. Beside him sat obedient, his unwashed dog, and beside his dog sat a freshly laid log. The old man shouted at what seemed like ex lovers, "Dasher, Prancer, Vixen, Cum-it, Cupid, Boner, Blitzen!....You fuckers!" I watched the old man as he climbed through a window, it was second nature like a Spaniard doing limbo. He collected all the gold, sliver, bling and some cash, and even fondled a hot sleeping wife's ass. And before he bounced he placed a straw in his nose, dragged it across a table, the white powder rose. He sprang up with vigor, boundless energy, jumped right thought the window and flexed out the scene, The merry man sprinted, his dog followed close, they laid trail of belongings, all strewn on the floor. His beard flapped goodbye while feet clapped the puddles, I barely heard him holla "Merry Kiss-my-ass you suckahhhs!!!"

I want to wish everyone a very merry Christmas!
love Gee Tee LaDuce

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Tell them that Blue Horshoe loves Anacott steel

I sat in second cup on my laptop trying to concentrate and all I could hear were two stupid voices coming from behind me talking about stocks. Buy high sell low..Yeah shut up! I had to consult "Numbas" and had to find something I could say to these two. Numbas had nothing except a line in a movie. Blue horshoe loves anacott steel. I turned and said that to them with cockiest face I could conjure. They stopped and looked at me as if I had the largest piece of snot danglin' from my overinflated nostrils. So I decided to say it again. I looked at them with my eyes half open as if I knew exactly what I was saying and said it again louder. I then placed my finger over my mouth and made a very steady and annoying shhhing sound. They weren't convince. That's when I pulled out the big guns. Helium is up, feathers are down. Paper was stationary. Ticonderoga pencils lost a few points, light switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The market for raisins dried up and pampers remained unchanged. catapiller stocks inched up a bit, Sun peaked at midday, birds eye peas split and Scott tissues touched a new bottom. That's when they both went back to talking. I had won. Victory was mine!

written by: the stagnant maggot

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The dreaded "cherry fights"

The park was and still is a desolate place. Playing football on a gravel field taught us how not to fall. Trying to keep our skin in once piece was at times more important that catching the pig skinned ball. Watching Bill "the Judge" on the other hand, piss on passing cars as they drove down Gouin was possibly one of our favorite pass time. How those fond memories fade like my eyesight after getting hit on the head with a baseball bat, or drinking too much and watching Numbas and "Burt" puke in my bushes so they can drink some more. Holy Lord! We felt like the Romans. Drinking and smoking our brains out, bring girls over to the house when the folks were out of town. Cracking into papa's liquor cabinet and drinking Ramazotti till we puked raisins in the snow. Damn we had good times, but nothing compared to the "cherry fights." They weren't really cherry's. They grew from these strange trees that surrounded the park. They were very hard, inedible, fell by the millions. Fuck did they hurt! It all happened at the park. A strip of land and gravel that was decorated with childrens playground equipment. It sprawled out to a makeshift tennis court where very intense games of hockey filled our fall evenings. I could never remember who threw the first cherry. Scraping my mind I have vague memories of rolling on the floor in agonizing pain calling out for God, while silhouettes that resembled the likes of Johnny, Sandro and Karem standing above me laughing. Oddly enough, Those same memories melt into images of me stand above Nick while he rolled on the floor calling for god to strike me down with his unmerciful vengeance! There defiantly was a cycle of life around us, and in the end I guess life was good.

written by: "G" Tete Carre

Friday, December 16, 2005

Chappelle show is back!

I had no idea that his show was going to air again. I heard rumors he snapped and moved to africa. You see, never believe what you read. I watched the trailer and felt a funny feeling in my stomack. no its wasn't gas, it was true excitement for possibly the funniest shit ever aired on tv. the link is here, but dont take my word for it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

King City Coppers!!

I was in Toronto in early September visiting some family when "El Teenyo" and I decided to hit a bar and drink a little. He expressed his anger towards the amount of cops there were driving around in his small town of King City. IM guessing the city has around 5 thousand people in the downtown area. I saw at least three cop cars, some parked sitting in their cars jerking each other off and others wafting along the streets. El Teenyo and I had to go threw a road block on Saturday at 7 pm. "you must be kidding" I said. Later that night after having brews in the towns water hole Shoeless joes El Teenyo took the long way home. It too bad that out of all the areas in Toronto there is such a large cop to citizen ratio that it just doesn't make sense. They have nothing to do and still the taxpayer is forced to hand over hard earned money. Regardless of that stupidity, the weekend was fun. I'm gonna hit shoeless next time I'm down and get silly!

How it all Began.

Many years ago an elite group ruled what was known as the Saraguay township. Areas such as the park, the little store, the path, the woods, the train tracks, and the tree house where all important in protecting and keeping a sharp watchful eye on the"frogs" from infiltrating the land we called our home. It wasn't much of a tree house. The French kids in the neighborhood built it and left it to rot. We only acted from with out scavenger nature when we assimilated it and called it our own. Ahh those frenchies, froggy legs, lily pad sluts. They were keeners at making stuff that they even built a tank. It all started when we used to run Big Wheel fights our in front of J's and Car's house. Charging little punks like Marky two bucks to watch. There was a time when we pushed him in the pit where 7 or 8 kids on big wheels where smashing into each other like bumper cars. The tank incident was a little different. We had been protecting Angelo's grand mothers house when they were building it. I remember clearly standing on a pile of rocks telling the French bastards to take a hike. One of them threw a rock at my head. I turned my face and ducked using the techniques I learnt from my brother to dodge the rock. Well regardless to say it didn't work. I was rushed to hospital and got 6 stitches in my head. War had been declared! We set a date and waited out near what is now the bocce field in the bushes. The gang was surprised to see a big moving box coming down the street. Us being the savages we were attacked it will all our strength. Did those bastard frenchies (sorry Frederick) catch a beating. Again, our true nature came out and we took their plywood tank on wheels home. To this day I have no idea where the tank found its finally resting place.

Il Duce "too-loose"

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Heidi eating burgers??

New york Daily news reports that model Heidi Klum is going to be McDonalds newest spokesperson. I dont know about you but i think thats fuckin retarded! McDonalds should just take one step further and give some well deserved jobs to the thousands of anorexic teens that populate the earth. Spread the wealth "Micky Dicks!"
McDonalds Spokesman Alexander Schramm says that Heidi is perfect partner seeing that she represents modern life being a young mom. yeah a young mom that looks 25 and looks like she hasnt had a baby....very realistic....just like eating McDo's (as the french in MTL call it) once a day every day. Bastards!! McDonalds tasts so fucking good! fuck!

Anatomy of a party.

As we all know a great party all ways consists of the following; good friends, tasty food, attractive single men and women, well played/mixed music, vibe and location, in that order. Friday night's "outta nowhere" party that Fabs, Ang, and the rest of the boys threw at hotel Godin was along those lines, nix the tasty food. As I drank myself into a stupor, again, with Marco at the helm pouring the drinks from our bottle of vodka that never seemed to end, I looked around at the strangest collection of people that ever gathered. I say this in the best of intentions. It made me happy to see that very different people could party together. While the drinks slipped down my throat I made some startling observations. It seems that every party has the hot girl. The one that dances on tables while her boyfriend, like rabid animal, chases a scrawny rat out the door. There also has to be some kind of ex-boyfriend tension or girl on girl fight. As I discovered on Saturday night at Jello bar, there's always a drunk dude that doesn't stop trying convince me that corn has tricked humans into keeping it alive and that ants out weight humans on the planet. No party is complete without the weirdo that dances by himself as if he's the only one in the room. I give that poor weirdo the most respect, cause it takes a lot of guts to admit your the weirdo and accept it and still want to dance with yourself. All these guidelines to throwing a great party goes right out the window when were talking about foam parties. There's no food, the music is definitely secondary, you could be in some mid west state in a warehouse, you wouldn't be able to see your friends anyway so there'd be no use in bringing them and it seems like everyone's attractive when covered in bubbles and half naked.

written by: Belt Danglin' "Sirloin and bubbles..mmm"

Friday, December 09, 2005

mock Heineken commercial

Such a tasty beer that Heineken ehh!?? So tasty I decided to write a commercial trilogy for the damn thing! After the idea came to me I looked through the net for some ideas. While i was on the Hineken website i found this freakin' weirdo. Apparently he's very important. something like the CEO. Regarless, im taking the plunge and making the mock commercials. "la Tournage" will be at a club 1234 on de la montagne. We have the club from 5 till 10:30. everyone should be there at 6:30. after 10:30 we are gonna party cause its the Binocularfilms company party. Also it s everyones therrr or be "shhh-queer"

written by: G Tizzle

winter has fallen

"if its not baroque, dont fix it."

I woke up this morning and to my dismay, a layer of frosted white snow covered the ground for as far as my one eye could see. It seems that this year is coming to an end at quite a speedy rate. Still staring out the window, looking through my glossy eyeballs a sudden itch manifested in the most famous of spots, on my right butt cheek. Feeling like someone was watching me i scratched it and made it as cliche as possible. The sounds of my mouth smacking together and being suprised at the taste of what i found to be my toungue also made it more realistic. I about turned and jumped right back into bed. Head deep under the covers I started to giggle to myself partially cause the bed was still warm. The phone rang. I had the privilege of waking to saverio telling me about the massive one night party at the hotel Godin on St.Laurent and Sherbrooke that "Fabs is having." Then he started talking about how big his shits were.
As far as I know there supposed to be another big party at Nabs' house. Some kind of a "jam/bar-b-que/drinking binge" party on saterday. I mean how much more do you want. Good friends, Good music! If you anyone is interested please contact Gates. If you dont know his number or someone who does...then your probably not invited. Sucka!
Stay tuned for the "YEAR END" issue. Its going to recap all the best moments of 2005, and maybe more!

"Migs looking suprised at what his drink is doing to him"

written by:Geefee Leduce

Thursday, December 08, 2005

a cookie face bought a pitbull

i knew a cookie faced diva who spent all her time walking around subway stations with her head down looking for extra coin. once she amassed the amount of money needed to buy a pitbull her feet B lined to the pet store. While at the pet store the Dive argued with the storekeeper, fondled a rabbit, fingered a goldfish and bought a pitbull. Now shes a happy camper. The cookie face then went home, set up the pitbull with its new home. she named it PIKA!

written by Belt danglin'